Mr. Bones

Mr. Bones

There was an ad in the paper one Halloween for a fairly life-like plastic skeleton. A skeleton sale? Such a deal! I couldn’t resist and Mr. Bones was soon hanging in my shop.

On Halloween I get him down, put on full black leathers (on me, not Bones), get on a bike and have Betty tie him on the back with monofilament fishing line, his arms wrapped around me and his feet tied to the passenger pegs. He wears a Jack-O-Lantern bandana and is quite stylish. Then we go out about dark and strafe the Trick-or-Treaters. This is always great fun and the kids love it (the parents usually look at me like I'm Chester the Molester but I don't care.)

The first year we did our Halloween ride was on a Sunday and the bike of choice was a bright red Ducati 900 Super Sport. I strafed all the kiddies I could find and chased a bunch of cooperative teenagers around the First Baptist Church parking lot a couple of times. I was having fun and didn't want to go home yet so I went to the corner strip center where the big Kroger Grocery is. I rode around the parking lot once and got a few laughs and some amused smiles along with the rolling of eyes and shaking of heads from the tightasses.

The entrance to Kroger is a glass wall probably 60' long. You walk up to a double sliding automatic door, enter and cross about a 20' deep foyer and on through a second set of auto doors. There are doors like this at both ends of the foyer and you can come & go through either of them. The sidewalk leading to both doors is nicely ramped for the shopping carts. The gears started turning...

I guess the devil was with me that night. As I sat there it occurred to me that I could very easily and quickly ride up the ramp, through the open auto door, make a hard left to the other end of the foyer, left again out the other auto door, down the ramp, wheelie across the parking lot, haul ass and be gone; leaving a trail of loudly laughing shoppers and open-mouthed grocery boys. It would be the motorcycling equivalent of Moses parting the Red Sea. What a plan! Conceived of genius, soon to be executed with amazing daring and precision!

I started the big booming Duck, pulled the clutch lever, snicked it into gear and prepared to give Bones the ride of his life (death?) The adrenaline was pumping and we were ready to make the news in what is laughingly called the newspaper in Keller, Texas (aka Hooterville)! Just as the clutch started to engage something caught my eye from the far left...a Keller PD black and white pulling into the Kroger lot! For the first time in my life the Cosmic Stinger’s timing was just a tad off and I was saved! A sign from above! Thank you God!! Glory - Halleluiah!

So instead of spending several very embarrassing hours in the Hooterville Hoosegow I just waved to the donut runner cop, went home, hung Mr. Bones back in his hangman's noose and had a beer.

Mr. Bones gets out every couple of years and I've been thinking about the next ride: We have a Buddhist temple, an orphanage and a biker bar just crawling with Harleys. Hhmmm...

Dave Howe
December 2000